blonderaversex

this whole getting a girlfriend/boyfriend thing
is kinda difficult when you are a picky snob.
i don't get it at all. i want to be with someone, but when i have the chance i always reject them. for some reason nobody apeals to me in that way.
i have been trying to figure out why i used to feel like that about ethan, so that maybe i know what to look for or what it is that makes me go jhfvcghdfycvjbk, or even just to help emulate that feeling. but honestly i don't even know what it was
i'm probably going to end up some jaded cat man
and that doesn't sound too bad actually
i'm just not a relationship type of guy i believe

also note to self:
make "rull pestilant" a household phrase by 2010

I present to you all the lyrics to Sarah Lemon's breakout hit single "A Brand New Start Straight From The Heart"
P.S. BITCH IS CRAZY
P.S.S imagine this being sung be a teenage girl with a nasily voice


"you look so good in red
i'll wear it when your dead
and when your gone
i'll sit on your front lawn
watching the stars
and the passing cars
it's my way of saying i miss you

i'll wait here for a moment
and when it's gone
and when the night reaches dawn
i'll slit my throat
one last suicide note (...WTF)

addressed to you
there's nothing left we can do
anything to be with you
anything, that's what i'd do
just to be with you

you changed my view
out of glaze(?)
overiped(??)
the ones that cry
too many cries
and ears that hurt (BEST LINE)
and too many lies
shaking hands
ruined plans (bitch was gunna go to Hawaii BUT GUESS THAT AINT HAPPENIN NOW)
that first and last dance
one last chance
ruiiiinnnneeddd ruuuiiinnneedddd"

.....and there you have it
"A Brand New Start Straight From the Heart!" by Sarah Lemon!
now if you excuse me IM GOING TO GO SIT ON YOUR FRONT LAWN AND SLIT MY THROAT KTHNX

Apperantly I've been hurting Ethan for a long time, and my last aggressive message was the "last straw". Somehow he expects me to know that I'm hurting him, even though he's never told me about it before, or showed any outward signs or anything of the sort. And I know I've never actually tried to hurt him, so I have no idea what it is that I have been saying that has been getting to him but it seems like it's too late. I was right. He's always been repressing and bottling it up, and it seems it has gotten to the point where he can't take it anymore. I can't force him to talk about it, or to deal with his anger and emotional issues, really I can't do anything. He refuses to talk to me, which is what frustrates me the most because I know if he actually calmed down and discussed this with me, I would probably be able to resolve it. He keeps rubbing it in my face that he's leaving in 2 weeks, saying things like "in 2 weeks I'm gone and I'm done with all this" and it just kills me to think I'm never going to see him again. I can't imagine life without him. And now he's leaving and I won't even get to say goodbye.

I was actually doing okay, and I was on the verge of letting go and moving on but now that I know all of this it's like I'm back at square one. It's taken over my brain and I can't escape from these thoughts. I feel like I'm missing something, like there is some key element of this whole situation that I'm overlooking. I feel like if I find out what it is maybe I can fix things. But that's just naive.

I've done the best I can to fix things. I've said sorry countless times. I've explained my side of things over and over and he hasn't budged an inch. He hates me. And to be honest I'm thinking it's more than just things that I have said. The poor guy has his own demons he's fighting. Anyone who looks at him can see that. I can't force him to deal with them, to deal with this, I can't make progress for him. Ethan must deal with Ethan problems. And right now whether it's because of me or him, it just isn't the right time for us to be friends. There's a lot of changes going on in both our lives. Maybe in the future we will meet again, maybe things will work out. But I need to stay on track of my life. I can't let it fall to pieces because of someone else. I mean really I've been through much worse than this. I know I am strong enough.

So that's where the Sia quote comes in. I will not dwell on the past. I will not destroy myself worrying about the road not taken. I'm lucky to have this life and really I have so much to be grateful for. I don't want to waste my time worrying about what could have been or about things that I can't change. So I want to focus on the future. Even if my future is Ethan-less it is still full of promise.

So yeah, today is a brand new day and that makes me smile.

So.. ya... well... those posts were.. ya.
I don't know what I was trying to get across.
I should not be aloud to LJ when I'm drugfucked.

Also it should be a law that every acid trip must come with a Katie.

My LJ is dead. Gone. Sploded. Deleted!


You get the point?